This week I received an email from a grandma (I’ll call her Elaine) who read about Raise the Child You’ve Got—Not the One You Want and reached out for help. She is upset by the way her daughter picks on her grandson, and it’s getting worse and worse. She wrote, “I see the frustration and anger in him. He tells me he hates her, and feels like he can never do anything right. He’s a good kid, an honor student and fun, interesting little boy who seems worn out from the belittling”

Elaine wonders what she can do to help her grandson without ruining her relationship with her daughter.

My daughter and I have had huge arguments about this. I am going to buy her your book, which I am afraid will start another argument. I want to come from a place of love but I am afraid she will see it as my questioning her parenting skills…..which I am! Please help me.

Here is what I wrote back to Elaine:

I’m glad you reached out. It is indeed a difficult situation when you are walking on eggshells around your daughter. But remember that you have the power to positively affect your grandson’s lifelong wellbeing. I encourage you to read the book as well, as the starting point in your efforts.    One way to approach your daughter might be to let her know that you read the book and can see that ALL parents (including you) struggle with acceptance of who their children are. Be humble with her and reach out with love. Let her know that SHE can thrive by leading with acceptance, as well, and that you want that for her.    Please know, also, that YOU can make an enormous difference in your grandson’s life by being the person who sees and accepts him for who he is.

It’s not uncommon for grandparents to be able to do for their grandchildren what they couldn’t do for their children. My mother was able to see beyond my son’s tenacious intensity and adore the precious angel underneath. At the end of one particularly exhausting marathon of a day, I couldn’t do that, and lucky for me she could, and helped me get back on track.  But she couldn’t see and accept the precious angel that I was when I was a child!

Mothers, what is your reaction when your mom or dad  gives you parenting advice? Do you consider it meddling? Does it make a difference if you felt accepted by your parents when you were growing up ?