One question that parents of intense kids ask me all the time is how to manage meltdowns. It seems like we should be able to prevent them from happening, right? I mean, a lot of people spend big bucks on therapy, and medication, and books trying to figure something out…with very little bang for those bucks. Two of my current coaching clients are focusing on helping their daughter once the meltdown starts. After all, if we can’t prevent them from happening, we can at least learn to not make them worse. Or, can we? Read More
Behavior Archives - Nancy Rose
The one surefire way to get your kids to cooperate is to lead with acceptance.
Make acceptance of who your children are the STARTING point in your parenting, not something you give conditionally when they meet your expectations. Why is this so important? Because each of us has a fundamental need to be understood and accepted exactly as we are. It’s a basic human need, and a very powerful one. If our parents don’t fill this need, we will seek approval and acceptance wherever we can find it. Gangs, predators, fringe elements. We all need to feel that we belong! Read More
At a recent parenting workshop, a mom asked for advice on what to do about her “lazy” teenage son. Not an uncommon issue for parents of teenagers, but before I could help her, I needed more information. I asked her to describe what her son’s laziness looked like.
“He’s 15 and he spends all his time in his room playing video games,” she said. “He refuses to do any chores around the house and doesn’t listen to anything we say to him.” Read More
Have you had it with your child not listening to you? You’re not alone…this is one of the most common complaints parents have about their children’s behavior. Some parents I know even consider it the status quo, and looking at the portrayals of families in constant conflict in TV and movies, it’s not hard to understand why. On the screen and in real life, kids just ignore what their parents are saying much of the time. Read More
Today I want to share three nuggets of parenting wisdom from the blogoshpere. Why reinvent the wheel? Sometimes you’ve just got to pass along the wisdom…
First up is the latest on the Challenge Success Blog. Check out “We’re” Not Going to College…written by Julie Lythcott-Haims, who was Stanford’s freshman dean for ten years. She has a forthcoming book about “helicopter parenting,” and she writes in the blog:
We seem so afraid on our kids’ behalf – of strangers, of missed opportunities, of failing to keep up with the Joneses – and our fears impel us to always be there, present, hovering, poised to prevent, protect, intervene, advocate, and defend. Read More
Sorry, I couldn’t find a good image for three blind men, so three blind mice are standing in for them! There’s a fable about the three blind men that I’ve included in Raise the Child You’ve Got—Not the One You Want. It involves villagers, blind men, and an elephant…pretty dang compelling, right?
I use the fable to point out that we don’t always have as full a picture of our children as we think we do. To lead with acceptance, we start with the Child We’ve Got, and then widen our perspective to understand “the rest of the story.” From the book: Read More
We all want to raise successful children. In my last post, I described the problems that can occur when parents are the ones who define success. They then try to mold, shape, push and cajole their children to satisfy this expectation. It doesn’t work!
Leading with acceptance is a better way. You want to raise successful children, but you recognize that the definition of “success” must incorporate each individual child’s nature.
Everyone wants to raise a child who is a success.
How we define that success, though, makes all the difference in the kind of relationship that we will create with our child. And too often, we are so focused on success that we lose sight of the relationship itself. Read More
Of course we love our children. We often say things like “I’m doing this because I love you” or “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care what you do.” But love means different things to different people. Poets, philosophers, and mystics have been pondering the meaning of love for thousands of years, and still, who can define it for anyone else?